Grieving in community allows us to be seen, and we can release so much of what we have kept frozen inside, especially if there’s any shame woven into it. We all carry grief, and if you can boldly share yours, you may be surprised by who responds tenderly – and sharing your grief might give them permission to allow theirs to release, too.
Having said that, out in the ‘real world,’ sometimes folks are not yet ready to face their own grief and will respond with toxic positivity, “It’s all going to be ok, think positively…here’s a tissue.”
I love this touching conversation about death between Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert about the their own personal experiences with grief. Anderson Cooper had lost his mother two months ago and his brother and father many years back.
Be brave, have real conversations, go deep whenever you can.
During the Coronavirus outbreak, one of the things that really came up for people was grief. Any transition brings up grief, and any unprocessed grief sort of filters in at each new loss or transition. It’s important to talk about our grief with those who have space to hear us and truly listen.
When I vulnerably share this aspect of common humanity, it helps me realize that this is some kind of entrance ticket to being part of the human club. In this way, I’m just like everyone else. All of us grieve, though we do it in our own unique ways.
Grief is often a time that we look for something larger than ourselves, to give life and death meaning. I know that it helped me, for example, to read Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives, which sort of structures the universe as a Montessori-type school.
Do what works for you. This is your path. You can turn to whatever spirituality or understanding of the world gives you a framework through which to comprehend the death, (though I’d personally hope you turn to one that doesn’t shame anyone, ever). The belief system from your childhood may not fit your understanding of the world, now, and may not be actually be healthy. If so, that brings its own grief and can be seen as an opportunity to mourn and find your own concept of “higher power” to give you a sense of purpose.
The more authentically we talk about our experiences with grief, the more easily we integrate them into our lives. Listen to this all, I especially connect with what he says at about 14:20 and on from there, about gratitude for our suffering, because of the compassion that it brings, allowing us to be the most human we can be.
Bonus Resources:
- The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents (Alexander Levy)
- I’ve also seen videos by Megan Devine and I found them useful, so even though I haven’t read it yet and I usually only mention books I’ve read, I’m going to add her book here. It has 5 stars on about 500 reviews: “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.”
Here’s a lovely guided meditation for grief by Megan Devine:
The next topic I’ll cover is mindful listening: how to really be present while listening to another.