This is a good time to talk about the drawbacks of positivity. It’s popular to try to just think positive thoughts all the time, but this is a form of spiritual bypassing: ideologies that systematically avoid wrestling with and integrating dark emotions.
Reframing self-destructive thoughts (like “I suck at dog training”) to something with a healthier perspective is great (“My timing is off, but I can go to chicken training camp to improve it”), but that’s different from ignoring one’s own needs or shoving feelings & needs deep inside. (And yes, chicken camp is a real thing that professional dog trainers do!)
It’s important to honor our feelings in the body, to let ourselves feel it. To recognize that trauma is real and allow it to be integrated into our memory. That’s not the same as getting lost in a story of blame, shame, etc.
“Cheer up! At least your dog had a nice long life!” someone might say, without really thinking about how that completely invalidates your feelings. We are human and we do get sad.
Sadness is a natural response to loss or transition, not a character flaw or a problem to fix. There’s just a change that needs some processing to accept. It’s healthy to acknowledge and feel our feelings when our needs are unmet. We don’t need to run from feelings or put on a happy face.
Having anger also isn’t a character flaw. Anger is just a red flag that something is not right in our world, that a need isn’t being met or a boundary is being crossed. It’s like a dog who growls when you touch a part of his body that hurts. The dog just doesn’t feel comfortable in some way, and the growl is setting that boundary for what feels safe.
Having anger is not the same as hurting someone with it. Anger is not aggression, it is just the recognition of a violation. Anger can be a fiery sensation, but it can also just be a spark of insight and motivation that empowers us to set compassionate boundaries. Anger also helps us recognize when the present has come up against some of our old conditioning.
When anger (or any emotion) feels gigantic and uncontrollable, ask yourself, “is this really about something that’s happening now, or more of a reminder? When was the first time in my life that I felt this emotion?”
I use anger as a signal that I need to dig in and see how I’m feeling hurt, ashamed, or upset in other ways. Underneath, there’s usually some other feelings that are important to recognize and share to increase empathy and understanding.
Feelings are fine. BUT… we do have habitual thoughts, stories we tell ourselves that lead to feelings. That’s pretty much like reactivity in dogs. Our minds over-react to situations that are actually safe. Those are habits we can often change. When your head starts spinning a story, that’s like a dog barking out of reactivity. Calmly redirect your attention back to your own body, including your breath, your hands, your head, your belly, your feet. Feel the energy in your body without the storyline. Let it fade.
On the flip side, we can create habitual thinking patterns that help! I like planting my own self-care reminders. I deliberately associate self-care habits with environmental cues. For example, I decided to use Open signs to remind me to do a short mindfulness exercise.
Whenever I see an Open sign at a business, I observe my breathing for a few cycles and do a body scan. Starting at the top of my head, moving down to my feet, I bring my awareness to my senses in each part of my body, like a medical scanner very slowly, steadily moving its way down. I takes about a minute when I do it this way.
Side note: Body scans are excellent to do when holding space for someone who has a need to be witnessed.
This can be especially important when you’re potentially triggered by keening or anger. Staying present means being aware that the story being shared is not about us, to avoid being triggered, so the person can share their story without me, as the listener, getting sucked into my own inner story. Body scans are great for that. Tension in my body (especially my chest and belly) tells me when I’m feeling reactive, and I can ask the other person to pause in order to allow my own story to pass.
Here’s a great quote by Ram Dass: “My job is to be a space where nothing in me is preventing the changes that are wanting to emerge in you.”